well aren't you curious...

why is my brother so dumb?
whywhywhywhywhywhywhy?

i hope he talks to them.
i hope he does.
i am worried.

i want to hide from this day.
i want to start over and just stay in bed all day.
period.
end of story.

the day after you really lose it is a weird day.

it's not like being hung over, exactly.
but i guess maybe it's kindof like that.

it's just all this left over sad that you couldn't possibly have gotten out yesterday.

i haven't panicked that bad in a long, long time.
sometimes it's good to have mike around, even when he can't help
doesn't know how to help,
couldn't really help even if he knew how.

scary.
i'm tired.
and it hurts still, in the middle, in the inside place.
hurts.

and no, i don't know why.

i hate getting mad about things that are not only not my responsibility nor my problem specifically, except that someone else made it my problem indirectly.

and i hate coming home and being mad and having no one even bother to notice.

things aren't actually better...they're just still not addressed.
fuck this shit.

i feel so disconnected from life.
i don't know why i keep trying to fix things with people who don't want them to be fixed.
i'm not crying about it anymore, though.

i'm sick too much, but that shouldn't make me feel outside of things that i just feel...absolutely outside of.

sometimes i don't even know why i bother showing up to meeting.

i finally feel like myself again.
being off of all that medicine is really really good for my life, no joke.

that is all.

"very pretty"
"really?"
"pretty pretty"

"sorry sorry it's part of my daily round of things i beat myself up about."

"not anymore. that's my job now, and i'm awful at my job."


too nice, but....it's really nice to have someone be too nice to me.

ahhhhh
jeezies.
i need to say less awkward things and then he will not awkwardly change the subject.
we do need to have the conversation though.

that is all.
KJS

i'm really happy and don't even know how to talk to people about it.
it's good.
really good.
a little distracting, but you know.
i can go through big trauma and get through it, i can also get through being happy.
sigh. ;o)

fingers crossed.
this might actually happen for pete's sake.
sometimes, drunkenness i guess can be an ice breaker even though the most awkward of kids just need.
the end.

i am happy.
that is all.

didn't realize she was the friend that people could just treat however they want and always expect her to hang in there.

you know, i gave you a list of things that I would do for YOU, without asking YOU for anything.
and you know what you did?
you made it abundantly clear.
that wasn't good enough for you.

sorry i'm not good enough for you.
go off with mr. perfect exciting wonderful.
i'm not butting in again unless you ask me to.
and i doubt very much that you're going to.

so.

dear aslo,
i love you a lot.
and i say what i say because sometimes i don't know how to say anything but what i'm thinking.
and i'm sorry if it isn't the right thing to say.
but i'm trying to look out for you.
just like you try to look out for me, ok?

i love you with all my heart,
and i need to see you before i leave.

love,
KJS




dear james,
i wish she didn't do that to your life.
a whoooooooooole lot i wish she didn't.
but...i'm not so surprised. you know that?
because it's hard to date your best friends.
always.
even when it seems like so much the right thing.
sometimes, even still
it's the wrong thing.
it'll be ok.
you can do better.

highest regards,
KJS

dear melissa,
i love you and i miss you.
a whole freaking lot.
because you're the best for my life when we're at school.
for realsies.
let's go do something silly.
like have lunch.
asap.

love,
KJS

dear kayla,
how come you always got to start your sentences with one topic and end them with a different one?
i love you.
a lot.
love,
KJS


dear asr,
i wish i could fix all that we lost.
but, we can't.
maybe we'll start over.
and maybe it's just going to kinda blow.

sincerely,
kjs.


that is all.

hmmm
boys on the internet?
double-hmm.

don't ask, i won't tell.

ugh ugh james.
i wish i was not awkwardly attracted to him.
only physically (with no teeth) or mentally.
mostly physically.
he fights with me too much by a thousand percent.

i'm ready to go back to school.
asap.
but.
there's a couple things i wish i'd caught on to like...a month and a half ago.
just to flesh them out.
but...too late now, i guess.

i hate going to school in the middle of nowhere.
that is all.

i'm tired of dating advice from people who have significant others.
they don't know.
ok?

you know,
people keep telling me how they had the worst high school experience
EVER.
holy jeez.

i have
1
2
3
4...
maybe 5 friends left from high school?

maybe?

i have
perhaps two handfuls of exboyfriends

i have
a lot of people that were my friends

but aren't anymore.

and it looks like,
feels like,
i'm the road to having a lot of
people in college who aren't my friends anymore, either.

which leads me to believe the problem is with me
and not with the other people.

shrug, maybe i'm wrong.

doesn't matter, no one cares.

and i don't mean that in some emo oh-god-pay-attention-to-me kind of way.

it's just the honest to god truth.
it's my problem not anyone else's.

i've been through a lot in the last...six years.
a lot more than lots of people, and less than others.

i keep changing...
and losing people.

i'm so tired of losing people.

i'm so tired of summer meaning that
everyone has someone better to hang out with.

if i'm a chore,
just tell me so,
and i won't
bother you.

ok?

kthnxbye.

i don't actually talk to anyone anymore.
not so awesome.

;o\

i don't like how this week is going.
at all.

hmm, so i'm home.
it feels late.
it's not.

it's funny how some people ask about how a trip was
and some people
don't actually care what you did or where you went, they just want to tell you about themselves.

it's interesting.

i'm really, really confused about what i want to do with my life.
i need to decide if i'm willing to do all the work this is going to take.
b/c if i'm not, i need a new plan.

hm.